Blind Date

I went on the first blind date of my life last night with a girl named Janell. Unlike most blind dates (I presume) where the date is set up ahead of time, I was given the phone number of my sister's co-worker and actually had to go through the process of setting up the date myself. It was a little strange to call up a complete stranger out of the blue and say something like, "You don't know me, but do you want to go out this weekend?"

I told Janell that I would pick her up at 6:15 on Saturday night. In accordance with Murphy's law, I hopped into my car at 5:30 PM. turned the ignition and greeted by the sound of a free spinning starter motor. In other words, my car wouldn't start. Now, I could have taken my motorcycle, but the sky was overcast and it looked like there was a chance of thunderstorms. I was pretty sure that whatever bonus points I may have scored for showing up on a motorcycle would have been negated if I was to return her home at the end of the night sopping wet.

Thinking quickly, I called up my sister Marci who lives five minutes away in Spanish Fork and asked to borrow her car for the night. By 5:45, the potential disaster had been thwarted and I was back on the road heading for Provo. Ironically, when I got home later that night, my car started just fine.

Even with my late start I managed to get there about 10 minutes early. I spent nearly all of that 10 minutes trying to hunt down which building of the huge apartment complex she actually lived. For some reason, I had building 9 stuck in my head. I must have circled the entire complex 3 or 4 times looking for building 9. I was really starting to freak out when no matter how hard I tried I could only count 8 buildings. In desperation, I looked once more at the map I printed out and realized that I was actually looking for building 6, not building 9.

I was so nervous that my heart was nearly crawling out of my throat as I knocked on the door. The door was answered by one of Janell's roommates. A few seconds later, she came walking out from one of the back rooms. She was tall and pretty. In fact, much prettier than I had imagined. She was wearing sandals, faded jeans and some sort of a loosely knit top. The jeans were just a little too long for her and were frayed at the bottom from dragging on the ground.

They say that the outcome of a date is often decided in the first 30 seconds. I would say that this was definitely true last night. Within seconds of meeting her, I had already written myself off. I just didn't see it happening. I imagine that she had a simliar epiphany within the first 30 seconds. But we were both too polite to cut our losses. "Polite" really describes how I felt the rest of the date went. It felt like we were going through the motions, just because we had previously obligated ourselves to do so.

Despite the influx of parents and families that were visiting Provo for the BYU graduation and inadvertantly overcrowding all of the restaurants in a 20 mile radius, we decided to take our chances at the Macaroni Grill. Our timing must have been just right because we managed to get a table with only a 25 minute wait. Of course 25 minutes is a long time to fill with inane conversation. By the time that we sat down to dinner I had already exhausted all of the conversation topics that I had thought up ahead of time. Yes, I know that sounds kind of creepy, but I am conversationally challenged, and a little bit of preparation sure beats an awful lot of awkward silence :)

You know that a conversation is going downhill when the majority of the sentences start after a short pause and begin with, "So, ...". Unfortunately, despite my meager attempts at preparation much of conversation for the rest of the night was relegated to this category.

Dinner went quickly. It was apparent that the wait staff was trying to herd us through as quickly as possible to accomodate the teams of people perpetually waiting in the lobby. This only added to my nervousness and was at least partially responsible for me scarfing down an entire plate of Chicken Canneloni in record time.

I ate so fast that the waitress had actually managed to clear my plate before Janell had even tapped half of her bowl of Pasta Milano. Of course, this left us in the awkward situtation where I was basically watching her eat. Had the situation been reversed, I know that it would have made me uncomfortable. So, she did what I imagine most people would have done, she stopped eating. Of course, the waitress picked up on this like a vulture descending on carrion. Before she had even set her fork down the waitress had cleared her plate.

It turns out that the comedy club that we went to was doing a special recorded performance that night. Hailstorm entertainment, the folks behind Single Ward, RM and Home Teachers, were recording the show for a DVD that they will be releasing later this year called "Latter Day Night Live". Apparently the air conditioning was causing some problem with the sound for the recording so they decided that they were just going to do the show with the air conditioning turned off.

Now you have to imagine a small basement sized room packed with so many people that I actually overheard the owners say as they were jamming more chairs into the room, "It's a good thing the fire marshal's not here tonight." It was hot. No, I mean really HOT. Every couple of seconds I had to reach up to wipe the sweat off of my forehead. That's just what every woman loves.. a date that sweats all over her. Apparently, I wasn't the only one suffering from the heat. The headliner, Johnny B, was sweating so bad, that they actually had to stop the show several times because the sweat was dripping down his forehead, melting off his makeup and causing toxic reactions in his eyes.

Despite all of that, the comedy was actually pretty good. The show opened with Jimmy Chunga from the Chunga and Mister morning show on 107.5. Unfortunately, he wasn't as funny in person as he is on the radio. Must have just been an off night for him. Johnny B on the other hand was pretty hilarious. His bit about Utah women and handicrafts had the entire audience rolling. My favorite line from the show was when he was bagging on Provo and saying that, "Provo and Las Vegas really shouldn't be within the same day's drive of each other. You start off in the morning in Vegas and are in Provo by the afternoon. Really, your head could explode". Okay, I guess it was much funnier in the context of the rest of the bit.

The most uncomfortable moment of the entire night was definitely when I brought Janell back home. I wasn't sure what protocol was, but it seemed rude to just drop her off at the curb and kick her out of the car. So, I thought that I would be polite and walk her to the door. I really just intended to walk her to the door, say goodnight and go on my merry way.

As we approached the door, I could see this look of fear and trepidation developing on her face. It seemed as though she thought I might be expecting a little more than a simple good night. After getting the requisite "I had a good time" out of the way, we both stood there for what felt like an eternity of awkward silence. I wasn't sure if I should shake her hand, simply say good night, or just turn around and walk away. I finally managed to pull myself together enough to blurt out something like, "See you again somtime". This was the "closure" that we both had been waiting for. She turned around and went inside and I walked back to the car and drove home.

Unfortunately (or not), I suspect that I was lying. I really don't imagine that I will see her again sometime.