A Requiem For A Dream

I usually try not to post about overly personal matters on my blog but since a number of you have been riding along with me on the Holly-Dan roller coaster for the last six months I thought that I would give an update...

I am sorry to say that after six months of chasing a dream that the dream is finally dead. It's funny that it comes at a time when things looked like they may have had a chance at improving. Holly had finally decided to stop living with her x-boyfriend and to get a place of her own. I'm sure that I will be criticized by some for the timing of my decision.

It wasn't an easy decision to make. There wasn't a fight, things weren't going particularly bad. But it had been over two months since I had last seen Holly. That wasn't for a lack of me offerring to come visit her or to fly her out to visit me. But she always seemed to have other plans preventing us from spending time together.

Over the course of the last two months spent alone I began to imagine what the next 2 years of my life would be like with Holly. As hard as I tried I couldn't imagine a future for us that was markedly different from what the last 6 months has been. I imagined a number of really good weekends ahead of us. But I also imagined those weekends spent together separated by periods of several months spent apart. I imagined myself constantly wondering how Holly felt about me and whether or not things were going to work out.

What I finally decided was that I didn't want to spend the next two years of my life that way. I knew that this decision meant giving up on an awful lot of good times that Holly and I could have had together. But it also meant foregoing an awful lot of pain, confusion, frustration and waiting.

I informed Holly of my decision via an email message. I know that's a little cowardly, but I have had such a hard time really communicating with Holly over the phone. I knew that to get out what I meant to say that I really needed to get it in writing. It has been over a week and I still have not gotten a response from Holly. Is it because she is so pissed off at me that she doesn't want to respond? Is it that she cared so little for me that she doesn't want to take the time to respond? I really don't know. But that was exactly the problem. I never knew what Holly was feeling.

Holly is an incredible person and I may never again in my life meet someone that I'm so passionate about. But, damnit, I'm going to try. And if I am lucky enough to find that person, maybe, just maybe, they will feel the same way about me.