Installment 1 (of ?)

Poolhall Philosophy
A while back I was shooting pool in my basement with some friends from work and tried to describe to my friends my relationship with my teenage girlfriend, Holly. Although there were both good and bad memories, what I remember stressing to my friends was that the emotional magnitude of that relationship has gone unmatched in my life.

Some of the best and worst memories of my life are tied to Holly. I wondered myself, and posed the question to my friends whether or not the emotional magnitude was the result of the passionate relationship that I had with Holly or if it was the result of run-of-the-mill teenage romance? Does everyone remember their teenage love the way I remember Holly? Will I ever again in my adult life feel the depth of feeling that I felt when I was 17 and in love?

After a little bit of deliberation, in between shots at the pool table, we arrived at the conclusion that it was just a case of teenage romance. That kind of passion does not carry over into adult relationships.

History Lesson
Although I have talked with Holly on and off over the last 5 years of my life, I've spent very little time with her in person. The last time that I saw Holly was when I rode out to Milwaukee in 2003 for Harley's 100th Anniversary. I showed up to help her and her boyfriend move into a new apartment. Needless to say, there wasn't much opportunity for intimacy given the circumstance.

Our communication has always been a little spotty. We may go for several months where we communicate fairly regularly and then follow that with 6 months where we hardly talk at all. Frequently what resumes communication is when one of our birthday's come up. I have been sending Holly flowers on her birthday for the last couple of years now. It is usually followed shortly thereafter by a phone call or an email reinstating conversation between us.

This year was no exception. Several days after her birthday she called me up to thank me for the flowers. What was different about this conversation was that Holly seemed a little dissatisfied with her life. She was in the middle of training for a new job that she wasn't sure that she was going to enjoy and it sounded like things were on the rocks between her and her boyfriend. Over the course of a two hour long conversation, I felt as if she were saying to me: “Make me an offer. Give me a reason to leave.”

While I was on the phone with Holly, I was playing along and kind of flirting with her and encouraging her to make changes in her life and was even hinting that I might want to be part of what she changed her life to. As soon as I hung up and started thinking about the reality of the situation it scared the hell out of me. I had always reserved a spot for the idea of Holly and I getting back together in my abstract reality. But it was just that: abstract, distant, unreal.

Back in my present reality it occurred to me that it had been a really long time since the two of us had been together. The little bits of chit chat that we had participated in over the last couple of years didn't really make for a solid foundation for a relationship. Would we even still get along?

I can say with a near certainty that I placed a much greater significance on that phone conversation than Holly did. She had probably just had a bad day and needed to blow off steam. Still it felt like she had given me a little piece of string to pull on. If I had the desire to pull on it I might find that that little piece of string led to a larger prize. At the time I just didn't have the desire. Let me rephrase that, at the time I didn't have the balls. I was afraid of what I might find at the end of that string. It was easier to keep Holly in the abstract.

Writing Into the Void
I never followed up on that phone call. In fact that phone call marked the beginning of one of our “off” periods. I was crazy busy at work for most of the spring and it didn't even occur to me to email her for several months.

Sometime in July the itch struck up again. That not uncommon. I spend a lot of time traveling on my Harley over the summer and eventually I feel like sharing my adventures with someone. Holly is usually high on that list of people.

I sent her several short emails letting her know what I had been up to over the summer and asking how her new job was going. Several weeks passed without a response. Normally I won't bother writing a new email without getting a response to a previous one, but for some reason this summer I felt like writing Holly even when I wasn't sure that she was reading or even receiving the email that I sent her.

After a couple of emails sent like this I was beginning to feel like those scientists sending radio waves out into space in search of alien civilizations. It got to where I wasn't really expecting a response. I was just broadcasting my voice out into the nothingness. I sent her some pretty bizarre stuff under this guise. I remember in one email I told her about some dreams I'd had the night before. In one dream the two of us had gotten married. In another I was making out with my sister-in-law. Both were really bizarre.

I had always planned on going to Owen's wedding. But it had never occurred to me to bring a date until I received the official invitation addressed to “Dan and Guest”. The wheels in my head started turning. How fun would it be to go to a wedding with Holly? The wedding was even in Minneapolis, well within traveling distance from Milwaukee.

I broadcast another message into the void asking if Holly wanted to be my “Plus One” for Owen's wedding. I thought I was being really clever making a reference to an episode of “Sex and the City”; a show which I knew she watched and I had just started watching enough recently to make silly references to. I didn't really expect to get an answer to the message. It was just another message broadcast into the void. I wasn't disappointed. No response came.

Hello? This is the Void Returning Your Call
At least a month passed. I went on my vacation to Glacier National Park and rode the entire length of the Western Coast of the United States. No response from Holly. I spent a week in Barcelona for work. No response from Holly. Two weeks prior to the wedding and Dad was in town visiting. No response from... Wait. What's that flashing light on the answering machine? “Hi Dan. This is Holly. I'd love to go with you to your friend's wedding in Minneapolis...”. Holy Shit! She called back.

I panicked. The Void is not supposed to return your phone calls.

Fortunately, I already had a busy weekend planned with Dad. This gave me a good excuse not to call back right away. I spent the weekend alternating between states of elation and terror. It was really cool that she called up out the blue and said, “Yeah, lets go”. Just hearing her voice on the answering machine brought a smile to my face. On the other hand it was really terrifying that she called up out of the blue and said, “Yeah, lets go”. Even in my abstract reality I had imagined having to convince her at least a little bit.

Over the course of that weekend the notion of spending a weekend with Holly had settled in and didn't seem all that terrifying anymore. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I figured that even if the weekend turned out to be a total disaster, at least I would have another “Holly” story to tell.

I gave Holly a call on a Monday evening; two days after she had left the message on my answering machine. Upon posing the pleasantry, “How are things going?” I was barraged with stories of how horrible and miserable her new job was and the negative affect that it was having on her life and well being. I was overwhelmed. It explained why she hadn't responded to any of my emails recently. She works from 7 until 5 or 6 everyday and is often double booked with appointments to see people who are applying for state benefits. She explained that she is so busy at work that she rarely even takes time for lunch.

With every new horrible detail that she told me I was more convinced that the plan of getting away for a weekend was a good one. Eventually I brought the conversation around to the trip. I used the computer to buy a plane ticket for her as we were still on the phone cementing the plans for the weekend.

It hadn't even occurred to me at first to fly her up to Minneapolis. But the more that I thought about it, the more it occurred to me that a 5 or 6 hour drive from Milwaukee to Minneapolis is a little grueling. Besides I thought it would “sweeten the pot” if she didn't have drive; even though she had already agreed to the trip when she had just assumed that she was going to be driving. And, I will guiltily admit, that I was a little anxious to “show off” the financial affluence that I had gained since graduating college.

The plan was now set in stone. The tickets were purchased and the hotel room was reserved. We were both taking the day off on Friday, flying into Minneapolis in the afternoon and leaving early Sunday evening.